The Q in ISPEAQ
So far in this six-part process for having healthy and/or difficult conversations, you’ve focused on yourself—what you experienced and how you felt.
This last step begins by focusing on you too, but then brings the other person into the conversation.
First, start by saying what you reQuire going forward (sorry about the liberty I’ve taken with the acronym, it just worked that way), e.g.:
“I need to know that you arrive safely when you travel.”
“I think it’s important to treat everyone with respect and think the waitress was trying her best. I need for the atmosphere to be calm in order to enjoy myself when we go to a restaurant.”
“Company policy requires that you bring in a signed note from a doctor if you are away from work for three or more consecutive days, otherwise I have to notify Human Resources and it could go on your permanent record.”
“Please spell-check your documents before you forward them.”
Now, to bring the other person into the conversation, ask what they reQuire, or if they have any Questions. You can even offer options, which will show that you have empathy for their situation and are willing to help make things better. For instance:
“You could even just send me a text message when your flight lands. Would that be ok?”
“What exactly was it that bothered you so much at the restaurant? Would you rather go somewhere else next time?”
“Do you have any questions about the policy? Would you like to call the doctor and ask her to fax a note to you?”
“John and I are both good editors, you’re welcome to ask one of us to check your documents, especially if they’re going to a client.”
If you follow this six-step ISPEAQ process, you should find yourself more centered and focused in your conversations, not only in difficult circumstances but in all your relationships. It might take a little practice, but soon it becomes natural to speak this way—to know how you feel and what you need and to ask for it without judgment or criticism.
I welcome your feedback and would love to hear if and how ISPEAQ has helped in your own converations.
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