How to speak up for yourself

“How do I give negative feedback to an employee without hurting her feelings?” is an example of a type of question I encounter with almost every client. At the root of this question is “How do I have a difficult conversation with someone who matters to me?” This skill is so necessary for our emotional and social survival that I believe it ought to be taught in schools (I’m working on that), but in the meantime I share it with clients and want to offer it to you as well.

It goes by the name of “STABENO”, an acronym for Source, Time, Approach, Behaviour, Emotion, Need, Options, and is drawn from a brilliant book by David Servan-Schreiber called Instinct to Heal. It provides a guideline for structuring a conversation that might feel scripted at first, but quickly becomes second nature. It can be used in any situation, in professional or personal relationships. Briefly, the guidelines are: 

• S for source: Have the conversation directly with the person concerned. Using the example of giving negative feedback to an employee, don’t speak about her to other people in the hope that the message will somehow get passed on to her.
• T for time and place: Pick or make a suitable time and place to have the conversation, ideally when both of you are not stressed and when you can speak privately. If your office is open-plan, book a conference room; if you’ve got a tight deadline, take a few deep breaths before you speak. You may not be able to find an ideal time and place, but do the best you can.
• A for amicable approach: To ensure the other party is listening and at ease from your very first words, do two things: begin by using her name; then say something positive that you genuinely believe to be true. For example, “Susan, I really appreciate how hard you’ve worked on the first draft of this presentation.” This might be difficult if the situation has been very negative, but it is essential for opening the door for the communications to follow.
• B for objective behaviour: Get right to the heart of the matter, while confining your description to what happened and nothing more, without the slightest allusion to a moral judgment. You must say, “When you did such-and-such”, and that’s it. Instead of saying, “This is really lousy,” rather say, “It lacks an introduction and there are mistakes in the tables.”
• E for emotion: Next, say how the behaviour makes you feel or, if this is too personal in a work context, talk about the potential ramifications for your subordinate. For example, “When you send me a presentation with mistakes I feel frustrated and it means the work has to be done over again” or “As you know, we’re on a tight deadline and if we miss it the whole department is affected.”
• N for need: This is where you say what needs to happen next. For example, “I need you to meet our deadlines and produce accurate work so that our department meets its targets and maintains its good reputation in the company.”
• O for options: Sometimes, it’s appropriate to suggest ways of moving forward; this engages your subordinate in the dialogue and in choosing a way forward. For example, “If you’re struggling with PowerPoint you can either arrange to go on a course or set up a training session with Andrew in marketing. Do you have any other ideas?”

Nothing leads to more stress, anxiety and depression than unmanaged, unsuccessful relationships with the important people in our lives – and this includes our colleagues.

It is completely within our power to improve these relationships, and the STABENO process is a great way to begin.